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Fiqh / Etiquettes of Marriage (Love Making)

In the ideal Islamic situation, the husband and wife will most probably be total strangers to each other, having no kind of personal contact with each other previously due to the strict laws of hijab and pardah in the Shariah. Coupled with this feeling of strangeness are the natural constraints of haya and modesty, that form an integral part of Imaan. Under the particular circumstances it is quite natural that both the husband and wife will be extremely bashful of each other and under considerable strain and anxiety.

In order to “break the ice”, they firstly greet each other with the traditional Islamic greetings of salaam. Thereafter the husband should gently place his right hand on his bride’s forehead and recite:

‘Allahumma in’ni as’a’luka min khai’riha wakhai’ri ma fiha wakhairi ma jabalta’ha alai wa a’udhu bika min shar’riha washar’ri ma fiha wa sharri ma jabalta’ha alai’
(Recommend to read from Arabic script for correct pronunciation)

Translation:-”O Allah! I ask you of her goodness, the good within her and the goodness upon which she was created. I seek Your protection from her evil, the evil within her and the evil upon which she was created.”
(Bukhari, Abu Dawud, Ibn Maja, Al Hakim, Al Baihaqi and Abu Ya’la)

Thereafter, wudhu and two rakats of salatul-Hajah maybe offered as a token of gratitude and thereby requesting assistance from Allah (Rabbul-Izzat) for a successful and blessed marraige, pious offspring, etc.

Then they should engage themselves in some religious talk showing importance to the obedience of Allah’s commands and , through wisdom and tact, become more free and open in the discussion, trying to discover each other’s temperament. As sexual inclinations vary with every individual, the bride and the bridegroom will have to display patience with each other. Sexual union on the first night of marriage is not the most important thing between the couple. Their first intimate association gives them an opportunity to know each other more closely, to assess each other’s feelings and attitudes. With some brides excitement, expectations or fear of intimate union brings about a reluctance in performing sexual union.

One point of great importance that many newly wed, inexperienced men overlook is the importance of extreme gentleness and tenderness on the first night and during the first sexual encounter. Many are under the false notion that gentleness is against “manliness” and the harm and damage that is done to the relationship on the first night due to this foolish notion, has it’s impact on the marraige for months and years to come. During the initial stages of sexual union a virgin generally undergoes considerable anxiety and pain, which results in fear. During such a time the husband must take great care and consideration in his movements and behaviour towards his bride.

One more point of caution to the husband is never to harbour unnecessary suspicions against the wife if for some reason it “appeared” that she was not a virgin. This is a sin. It is forbidden to harbour ill-thoughts about the next Muslim merely on the basis of such conjectures. And worse still is to make her a target of abuse and oppression on this ground. This is Zulm (oppression) and a major sin. There are many reasons a girl could lose her “hymen”, the tissue of virginity – reasons that could be substantiated medically such as heavy flows during menstruation, illness, falling, jumping excessively, horse-riding, certain sporting activities, ageing, etc.

The praying of husband and wife together

It is desirable for the husband and wife to pray 2 rakaat together on their wedding night. This has been narrated from the earliest generation of Muslims, as in the following 2 narrations:

* First: On the authority of Abu Sa’eed Mawla Abu Asyad who said: “I got married while I was a slave. I invited a number of the companions of the Prophet, among them was Ibn Mas’ood, Abu Dharr and Hudhaifa. When the prayer was called, Abu Dharr began to step forward when the others said to him: ‘No!’ He said: ‘Is it so?’ And they said: ‘Yes.’ Then, I stepped forward and led the prayer though I was a slave possessed. They taught me, saying: ‘When your wife comes to you, pray 2 rakaat. Then, ask Allaah for the good of that which has come to you, and seek refuge in Him from its evil. Then it is up to you and it is up to your wife.’” [Ibn Abi Shaibah and ‘Abdur-Razzaaq]

* Second: On the authority of Shaqeeq who said: “A man named Abu Hareez came and said: ‘I have married a young girl, and I am afraid that she will despise me.’ ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ood said to him: “Verily, closeness is from Allaah, and hatred is from Shaitaan, who wishes to make despicable that which Allaah has allowed. So, when your wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind you 2 rakaat.’” In another version of the same story, “‘Abdullah went on to say: ‘And say: ‘O Allah give Your blessings on me in my wife, and to her in me. O Allaah join us together as long as You join us in good, and split us apart if You send to us that which is better.’” [Ibn Abi Shaibah and at-Tabaraani and ‘Abdur-Razzaaq: Saheeh].

Dua to recite for both before making Love/Sex (everytime)

Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna

(Recommend to read from Arabic script for correct pronunciation)

[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]

About this, the Prophet said: “After that, if Allah decrees that they will have a child, the devil will never be able to harm that child”. [al-Bukharee][1]

FOOTNOTE:[Some Scholars say that children are disobedient to their parents usually because the parents forget/forgot to say the above duaa before having sex. Ed. of Salaf-us-Salih Page]

How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes – from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:
“Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will” [Al-Quran: al-Baqarah 2:223]

There are also various hadith on this subject, of which I will give only 2:

1. On the authority of Jaabir who said: “The Jews used to say that if a man entered his wife in the vagina but from behind, their child would be cross-eyed! Then Allaah revealed the verse: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said : “From the front or the back, as long as it is in the vagina”. [Al-Bukharee and Muslim]

2. On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas who said: “The Ansaar, who had been polytheists, lived with the Jews, who were people of the book. The former viewed the latter as being superior to them in knowledge, and used to follow their example in many things. The people of the book would only make love to their wives from the side, this being the most modest way for the woman, and the Ansaar had followed their example in that. These people from the Quraish, on the other hand, used to expose their women in an uncomely manner. They took pleasure in them from the front, from the back, or laid out flat. When the Makkans came to al-Madeenah at the time of the Hijrah, one of them married a woman from among the Ansaar, and began doing that with her. She disapproved of it and told him: “We used only to be approached from the side, so do that or stay away from me!” This dispute became very serious until it reached the ears of the Prophet. So Allaah, revealed the verse: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223] (ie. from the front, the back, or laid out flat). What is meant here is the entry which produces children.” [Aboo Dawood, al-Haakim and others: Hasan isnaad and is supported].

The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a “planting ground” can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them:

* First: On the authority of Umm Salama who said: “When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarassed to ask the question, adn so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed which says: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet> said: “No! (not any way you wish) Except in one opening! (ie. the vagina)”. [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh]
* Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas who said: “‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to the Prophet and said: ‘O Messenger of Allaah, I am destroyed!’ The Prophet asked: ‘And what has destroyed you, O ‘Umar?’ ‘Umar said: `I turned my mount around last night.’ (An expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer and when the revelation came and the verse was revealed which says: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will;” [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet said: “From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her menses”. [an-Nasaa’ee in “`Ishratun-Nisaa” with hasan isnaad, at-Tirmidhee and others].
* Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit who said: “A man asked the Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her rear, and the Prohet answered: `Halaal (ie. permissible).’ When the man turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : “What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allaah is not ashamed of the truth – do not enter your wives in their anuses!” [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh]

* Fourth: “Allaah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus”. [an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in “al-‘Ishrah”; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan].

* Fifth: “Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses.” [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad and others with hasan isnaad and is supported].

* Sixth: “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a mentruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad. [Aboo Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].

Making Wudhuu’ between 2 acts with one’s wife

When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu’, based on the statement of the Prophet : “When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu’ between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu’ which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return.” [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].

Bathing is preferable

Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu’ in such situations. Abu Raafi’ narrates: “That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He ( i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet: “Couldn’t you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet answered : “This way is purer, cleaner and better”.  [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan in “al-‘Ishrah”, and others].

The Bathing of Husband and Wife together

It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is established by a number of authentic hadith, among them:

1. On the authority of ‘Aa’ishah (radiallahu anha) who said: “I used to bathe with the Prophet from a single container of water which was placed between us such that our hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I would say: `Leave some for me, leave some for me!’ She added: `We were in a state of Janaba ( i.e. the state of having slept together).’”[Al-Bukharee and Muslim].

2. On the authority of Mu’aawiya ibn Haida, who said: “I said: `O Messenger of Allaah, which of our nakedness is allowed, and of which must we beware?’ The Prophet answered, “Guard your nakedness excpet from your wife or those whom your right hand possesses.” (So it is permissible for both spouses to look at and touch the body of his or her companion even the private parts). He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about if the relatives live together with each other?’ The Prophet answered : “If you can make sure that no one ever sees your nakedness, then do so.” He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about when one is alone?’ The Prophet said: “Allah is more deserving of your modesty than are the people”.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].

The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating. This is clear in the following verse of the Qur’an:

“They ask thee concerning women’s courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in
their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may
approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him
constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.” [Al – Quran: Al-Baqarah, 2:222]

There are also hadith about this, among them:

* First: “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad.”

* Second: On the authority of Anas ibn Malik, who said: “When one of their women has their period, the Jews used to put her out of the house, and they would not eat, drink, or sleep with her in the house. The Prophet was asked about this, and Allaah revealed the verse:

“They ask thee concerning women’s courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in their courses, …

Then the Prophet said: “Be with them in the house, and do everything except for intercourse itself.” The Jews said: “This man wants to leave nothing which we do without doing something different.” Then, Asyad ibn Hudair said: “O Messenger of Allah, verily the Jews says such-and-such, shoudl we not then have sexual intercourse during menstruation?” The Prophet’s face changed such that they thought that he was enraged with them, so they left. As they were coming out, they saw a gift of milk being brought to the Prophet. The Prophet then sent someone after them to give them a drink of milk, so they felt that he was not actually angry with them.” [Muslim, Abu ‘Auwaana and Abu Daawood].

The Penitence of One who Has Sex during Menses

Whoever is overcome by desire and has sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating and before she becomes clean must give the value of one dinar’s weight of gold or about 4.25 grams (4.2315 to be more precise), or half that amount. This is based on a hadith narrated by ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Abbaas from the Prophet in relation to one who enters his wife while she is on her period as follows: “Let him give one dinar in charity, or one half dinar.” [At-Tirmidhee, Abu Dawood, At-Tabaraani and others: Saheeh].

What is Permissible when She is on her Periods

It is allowed for him to enjoy pleasure with his wife in any way except for her private parts when she is on her period. There are several hadiths about this:

First: “and do everything except intercourse itself.” [Muslim, Abu ‘Auwaana and Aboo Daawood]
Second: On the authority of ‘Aa’ishah who said: “When we were on our periods, the Prophet used to order us to put on a waist cloth that her husband can then lie with her.” One time she said: “… her husband can then fondle and caress her.” [al-Bukhaaree, Muslims and others].

Third: On the authority of one of the wives of the Prophet who said: “When the Prophet wanted something from one of his wives who was on her period, he put a cloth over her private parts, and then did whatever he wanted.” [Abo Daawood: Saheeh]

When is it Allowed to resume Sexual Activity after Menses?

When she becomes clean of any menstrual blood, and the flow stops completely, it is allowed for them to resume sexual activity after she washes the place where the blood had been, or performs wudhuu’, or takes a complete bath. Whichever of these three alternatives she does makes it allowed for them to resume sexual activity, based on Allaah’s statement in the Qur’an:

“But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.” [Al-Quran: Al-Baqarah 2:222]

This is the position of Ibn Hazm, ‘Ataa, Qatadah, al-Awzaa’ee and Daawud az-Zaahiree and of Mujaahid: as Ibn Hazm says: “All three of these are a purification – so whichever of them she uses after the cessation of her periods, then she is lawful for her husband.”

The same term is used to mean washing the private parts in the Aayah revealed concerning the people of Qubaa: “In it are men who love to be purified; and Allah loves those who make themselves pure.” [at-Tawbah 9:108]

There is nothing here in the Aayah however, or in the Sunnah, to restrict the Aayah in question to any of the three meanings – and to do so requires a further proof.

Making Wudhuu’ between 2 acts with one’s wife
When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu’, based on the statement of the Prophet : “When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu’ between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu’ which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return.” [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].

Bathing is preferable

Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu’ in such situations. Abu Raafi’ narrates: “That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He ( i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet: “Couldn’t you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)? The Prophet answered : “This way is purer, cleaner and better”. [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan in “al-‘Ishrah”, and others].

The Bathing of Husband and Wife together

It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is established by a number of authentic hadith, among them:

1. On the authority of ‘Aa’ishah (radiallahu anha) who said: “I used to bathe with the Prophet from a single container of water which was placed between us such that our hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I would say: `Leave some for me, leave some for me!’ She added: `We were in a state of Janaba ( i.e. the state of having slept together).’”[Al-Bukharee and Muslim].

2. On the authority of Mu’aawiya ibn Haida, who said: “I said: `O Messenger of Allaah, which of our nakedness is allowed, and of which must we beware?’ The Prophet answered, “Guard your nakedness excpet from your wife or those whom your right hand possesses.” (So it is permissible for both spouses to look at and touch the body of his or her companion even the private parts). He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about if the relatives live together with each other?’ The Prophet answered : “If you can make sure that no one ever sees your nakedness, then do so.” He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about when one is alone?’ The Prophet said: “Allah is more deserving of your modesty than are the people”.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].

Making Wudhuu’ after Sex and before Sleeping

It is best for husband and wife not to sleep after having sex until they first perform wudhuu’. There are various hadith about this, among them:

* First: On the authority of ‘Aa’shah who said: “Whenever the Prophet wished to sleep or eat while in a state of Janaba (i.e. after having sex and before bathing), he would wash his private parts and perform wudhuu’ as for prayer.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim].

* Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Umar who said: “O Messenger of Allah, should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?” The Prophet answered: “Yes, after making wudhuu.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. In another version: “Perform wudhuu’ and wash your private parts, and then sleep.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. And, in another version: “Yes, you can perform wudhuu’, sleep, and bathe whenever you want.” [Muslim and al-Baihaqi]. And, in still another version: “Yes, and perform wudhuu’ if you wish.” (This last version proves that this wudhuu’ is not obligatory.) [Ibn Khuzima and Ibn Hibban: Saheeh].

* Third: On the authority of ‘Ammaar ibn Yaasir, the Prophet said: “There are three which the angels will never approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a man who wears perfume of women; and, one who has had sex until he performs wudhuu’.” [Abu Dawood, Ahmad and others: Hasan].

The Ruling of this Wudhuu’

This wudhuu’ is not obligatory, but is very highly and definitely commendable. This ( i.e. its not being obligatory) is based on the hadith narrated by ‘Umar in which he asked the Prophet: “Should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?” To which the Prophet answered: “Yes, and perform wudhuu’ if you wish.” [Ibn Hibbaan: Saheeh]. This is also supported by other hadith, among them a hadith narrated by ‘Aa’ishah who said: “The Prophet used to sleep in a state of janaba without having touched water, until he would get up later and bathe.” [Ibn Abi Shaiba, at-Tirmidhee, Abu Daawood and others: Saheeh].

In another version narrated by ‘Aa’ishah , she said: “”He used to spend the night in a state of janaba until Bilal came in the morning to make the adhaan. Then, he would get up, bathe while I looked at the water dripping from his head, and go out. Then, I would hear his voice in the Fajr prayer. Then, he would remain fasting.” Mutarrif said: “I said to Aamir: In the month of Ramadhaan?” He said: “Yes, in Ramadhaan and in other than Ramadhaan.” [Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others: Saheeh].

Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu’

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu’ before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of ‘Aa’ishah in which she said: “When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu’ or Tayammum.” [Al-Baihaqi: Hasan]

Bathing before Sleeping is Perferable

Bathing however, is perferable to any of the above-mentioned possibilities as is clear in the hadith of `Abullaah ibn Qais who said: “I asked ‘Ai’ishah : “What did the Prophet do when in a state of janaba? Did he bathe before sleeping or sleep before bathing?” She answered: “He did all of those things. Sometimes he bathe and then slept. And sometimes he performed wudhuu’ and then slept.” I said: “Praise be to Allah who made things flexible.” [Muslim, Ahmad and Abu `Auwaana].

The Lawfulness of Coitus Interruptus

(Withdrawal of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one’s wife).

It is allowed for a Muslim man to practice coitus interruptus with his wife. There are several hadith about this:

First: On the authority of Jaabir who said: “We were practising coitus interruptus, and the Qur’an was being revealed.” [al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. In another version, he said: “We used to practise coitus interruptus in the lifetime of the Prophet. This reached the Prophet, and he did not prohibit us from doing it.” [Muslim, an-Nasaa’ee and at-Tirmidhee].

Second: On the authority of Abu Sa’eed al-Khudhriy, who said: “A man came to the Prophet and said: “I have a young girl (right-hand possession), and I practise coitus interruptus with her. I want that which men want, but the Jews claim that coitus interruptus is minor infanticide.” The Prophet said: “The Jews have lied, the Jews have lied. If Allaah wished to create a child, you would not be able to prevent it.” [An-Naasaa’ee in al-‘Ishrah: Abu Dawood and others: Saheeh].

Third: On the authority of Jaabir, a man came to the Prophet and said: “I have a slave girl who serves us and waters our date trees. Sometimes I go to her, but I dislike that she should become pregnant by me”. The Prophet said: “use coitus interruptus if you like, but whatever has been ordained for her will come.” After some time, the man again came to the Prophet and said: “She has become pregnant!” The Prophettold him: “I told you that whatever has been ordained for her will come.” [Muslim, Abu Dawood and others].

The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets

It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside. The following two hadith are about this:

First: “Verily among the worst people before Allaah on the Day of Judgement is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds and then he spreads her secrets.” [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaiba, Ahmad and others].
Second: “On the authority of Asmaa bint Yazid who narrated “that she was once in the presence of the Prophet and there were both men and women sitting. The Prophet then said: “Perhaps a man might discuss what he does with his wife, or perhaps a woman might inform someone what she did with her husband?” The people were silent. Then I said: “O, Yes! O Messenger of Allaah verily both the women and men do that.” Then the Prophet said: “Do not do that. It is like a male shaitaan who meets a female shaitaan along the way, and has sex with her while the people look on!” [Ahmad: Hasan or Saheeh due to supports]

The Obligation of a Wedding Feast

The husband must sponsor a feast after the consummation of the marriage. This is based on the order of the Prophet to ‘Abur-Rahman ibn ‘Auf to do so, and on the hadith narrated by Buraida ibn At-Haseeb, who said: “When ‘Ali sought the hand of Faatimah (the Prophet’s daughter) in marraige, he said that the Prophet said: “A wedding (and in another version “a bridegroom”) must have a feast.” The narrator said: “Sa’ad said: ‘(a feast) of a sheep.’ Someone else said: ‘Of such and such a quantity of corn.” [Ahmad and at-Tabaraani: Its isnaad is acceptable as al-Haafiz Ibn Hajr says in Fathul-Baaree: 9/188]

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